Hallucinations, Not Just For Porky Pig

Porky Pig Hallucination Desert

Porky Pig in an old episode of Looney Tunes. Hard to believe this one came out in 1938 – Porky in Egypt.

Hallucinations are not just for Porky Pig.  If you are as old as me, then you may well remember the old Looney Tunes cartoon with Porky Pig and his camel lost in the desert in Egypt, dying of thirst, wanting to cool down, diving into a seemingly real swimming pool.  The camel fears the “desert madness” is upon them, but is relieved when another hallucination of a camel train saves them.  But are these the only kind of hallucinations there are?  No, not at all.  And we don’t have to be going “mad” to have them.  I have them every day in fact, not that I dare set myself up for being questioned on sanity!   But, I will in fact share a bit about my own hallucinations, as well those experienced by others.

My own hallucinations have come in a several forms, the one I have daily is tinnitus.  This hardly seems like a hallucination, but it is a ringing I hear in my ears that does not exist outside of my body.  Since I hear it as if it is real and it clearly is not, it is an example of an auditory hallucination.  I listened to so much loud music when I was younger, that my brain has not yet quieted down.  It’s similar to looking at the sun, then still seeing images of the sun behind our eyelids afterwards.  The difference is that the sound is projected outward from my body, so it sounds like I hear it in reality.  (Of course I know it is not real because nobody else hears the ringing.)

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My kitty Kinsey disappeared one night in about 2010. I still hear him call me from time to time.

Another hallucination I occasionally have had stems from grief.  When I was divorced in 2005, I lived alone until I adopted a kitten from the SPCA in McKinney.  I called him Kinsey after the detective Kinsey Millhone, star of the Sue Grafton alphabet mysteries.  When he was about five years old, he went out for the night as usual, but never came home.  I searched high and low, put out fliers, searched the neighbor hood.  I was certain though he was stuck under the apartment building I lived in.  I kept hearing him cry.  My partner did too.  But it wasn’t real, I was having a hallucination based on desire, and based on my need to adjust to the loss.  I wanted to hear him so bad, I did.  And the power of suggestion may have influenced my partner to hear him too.  Every now and then, he calls out to me in my mind.  He was my companion when I was grieving the loss of my marriage and we were quite close.   Our brains record sounds and songs and store them away.  Once in awhile, we get a “match” and think we hear them again.  It is but a false positive though.  It is another type of audio hallucination.

The last type of hallucination I have had at least twice came in the night, right before waking.  I have mild sleep apnea from a congenital deformation in my throat, as well as for being overweight.  Occasionally when I sleep, I stop breathing.  My throat closes and I begin to panic.  Twice, a woman shouted at me, “Renee, wake up, you are going to die!”  I jolt up with a rush of adrenaline.  The yell hear is real, external, and not like a normal dream voice.  These hallucinations saved my life.

It is common for people to assume if you hear a voice, you must be going “psychotic” or you much be schizophrenic.  This is hardly the case.  Everybody pretty much hallucinates every night.  Dreams are really quasi-hallucinations in that we think they are real, but they don’t usually have a true external quality to them.  We generally know we are dreaming and if we thought it was real, we would likely wake up immediately.  What I am trying to say is that “hearing voices” does not mean you have “desert madness”.   But they d0 have many causes!

Hallucinations are largely an area studied medically by neurologists.  My favorite neurologist on the subject is Oliver Sacks and he published a national bestseller, Hallucinations, on the matter in 2012.  And his work really is what inspires me to write this entry and summarize his material for those wanting an overview.  (Note, I am not even close to having a full understanding of this subject matter, so go to the sources for best accuracy, and be sure to watch this Oliver Sacks interview.)

CharlesBonnet

Charles Bonnet (1720-1793). Visual release hallucinations, also known as CBS, are complex visualizations in those with little or no vision.

Charles Bonnet Syndrome (CBS).  Charles Bonnet was a Swiss naturalist that lived in the 1700’s.  He became interested in hallucinations when his grandfather, Charles Lullin, began seeing things when his eyesight failed.  The things he saw were complex, such as a flight of pigeons, a group of dancing butterflies and men coming to greet him.  Sometimes these  hallucinations are in context, and other times nonsensical.  Regardless, there is no control over them, they come and go at their own will.  Other visual aspects of CBS hallucinations may include text, numbers, musical notes, dazzling colors, amazing detail, various shapes, duplicated items and immense elaboration.  The CBS type of hallucination is related to eye disease or higher up in the visual system, such as due to reduced blood flow to areas of the brain.  Treatment, Sacks says, has included using medication called quetiapine.  Finally, unlike dreams that allude to the unconscious, hallucinations do not provide such insight.

Sensory Deprivation.  

Hallucination of Smells.

Hearing Voices and Sounds.

Parkinsonian.

Drug Induced and Other Altered States.

Migraines.

Epilepsy.

Hemianopia.

Delirium.

Sleep Deprivation.

Narcolepsy.

Bereavement.

Autohallucination.

Phantom Limbs.

…working on this now…

 

 

 

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Mind Up!

Bootstraps oh bootstraps You give me such trouble I give you my strength Lift me up on the double I find I am climbing Look at me lift away So much for the doubters I am flying today!

Bootstraps oh bootstraps
You give me such trouble
I give you my strength
Lift me up on the double
I find I am climbing
Look at me lift away
So much for the doubters
I am flying today!

Most of us have heard the impossible phrase, “to pull oneself up by their bootstraps.” It makes us pause to wonder how do we do this. It’s like jumping straight up one foot, then when we get there, keep jumping up another foot, so as to climb up higher and higher. This impossible task is what we have to accomplish in our own growth. We lift ourselves up on our own accord. How? We do this by first believing we can. I pause. I reflect. I choose to succeed. I “mind up”. I refuse to wallow. If I have to, I can get angry at the forces dragging me down and set a boundary to them. Then I bless them when I break free and fly. Bootstrap yourself. Go deeper, go higher. Don’t give in, mind up!

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Memorial Day Words

Some words for Memorial Day this year…

My heart hurts to think of all the loss
For families hurt by the death of their children
Fathers and mothers that never came home
Brothers and sisters that are now all alone
My heart hurts for the millions and millions
Lost to war, on the battlefield, hunger, disease
May we all find peace, learn to help each other
To let go of our fears, let go of the need to win
May we allow life to have the power, not death
Bless everyone on Memorial Day
And may we remember all those hurt by war
And we thank you all for your service.

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Is You?

Here is where my mind is this morning:

So I look at my cat and ask him squarely, “Is you or is you ain’t my constituency?”

He looks at me and shakes his head.

I said “Why? Haven’t I promised you I would fight Obamacare and bring back morality to this home?”

He looks at me and shakes his head.

“Haven’t I promised to rid the household of all rainbow flags and humanitarian aid to those in need?”

He closes his eyes and begins to yawn.

“What do I have to do?”

I open a can of Ocean Fish Super Supper!

Tada! Amazing. And this is why all politicians are fishy.

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Affirmation: I Have a Brave Heart

Affirmation of the day: I have a brave heart. I cut through the fear. I take a risk. I do the right thing. I face my challenges. I snap out of it. I am a hero on a heroic journey. I make a difference. Hear me roar.

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Breathe In, Breathe Out

I breathe in – I breathe out. I close my eyes gently. I let my mind stop. I choose not to choose. My hands rest in my lap. Posture erect. Comfortably I sit. I bob my head from side to side. I let my body sway like the prairie grasses. I feel my spine. I hear the wind speak. I smell the fresh spring air. I embrace the heat of the sun. I drift as old wood on the sea. My toes delight in the touch the sand. There is salt on my tongue. I smile. I allow this moment to come over me. It is a blessing. I am blessed.

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On the Eve of April Fools

I wanted to share a little personal history before bedtime. On April 1, ten years ago, I was out for a walk/jog. I was physically out of shape and my life was really exhausting me. I was frustrated and often very bitter that I couldn’t get closure on my gender/sexual expression. I was mad at myself and others as well, but largely just at me, for not being what I was supposed to be. It was an odd and perhaps humorous jest on the part of the universe, that it was the first day of April that I resolved to get physically back in shape, buy myself a new dress and learn to stand up for myself.

We hear so often, and this still rings true, that we really do have to learn to face our fears to be ourselves. It never seems to stop in high school when we put on a different mask for our peers, one for our parents and another for our grandparents. We continuously sacrifice ourselves on the altar of acceptance and love.

I didn’t know where I was going ten years ago. I just knew I was done with the fear. I was done with the closet. I was done with the guilt and the shame. It was my time to power up. And jogging, well, it became my way to empower myself. I loved that I could jog, be one with the universe, and be me. I went on to run 13 marathons and one other much more important marathon, the marathon to become the gal I am today. A bit quirky I suppose I am, but I made it and it is what it is, as they say. So, those are my thoughts before bed.

I encourage anyone that is struggling to become themselves, that you can do it. Just face the fear, a bit more each day, baby steps are good. And find yourself a handy mantra to keep you company. Or take mine, booyah! Blessings all.

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Affirmation For Easter

Affirmation for Easter:

Today is a good day to begin again!
I am reborn today.
I recreate my life anew.
I allow life to unfold in a graceful way.
I stay in touch with this moment.
I forgive myself. I forgive others. I honor all forms of life.
I hold my self responsible, no matter what, to a life of truth.
I start over. I let go.
I am at peace.
I am reborn today.

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Affirmation: It’s Easier Than I Think

Affirmations Inspired By S. Boorstein’s “It’s Easier Than You Think”

Written By Renee Baker

 

I allow myself to stay open to a spiritual path.  My spiritual path need not be complex.  Simplicity is okay.  As I explore this road, I allow myself to awaken a bit more.  I manage my life more gracefully or even semi-gracefully.  I allow awareness, clarity, compassion and generosity to become the mainstays of my path.  Mindfulness and lovingkindness become a greater part of my daily vocabulary.  The truth continues to set me free.

I recognize that there are things beyond my control.  I see no sense in getting upset over them.  I concur that life is difficult and painful.  I observe this is true no matter what actions I take.  It’s okay that life is mysterious and unpredictable and risky.  I need not inevitably suffer from the difficulty of life.   I will not struggle with my life experience.  I open myself up to experience life with compassion and wisdom.  I let go of the act of craving other than what is.  I can make a change, yet I accept the here and now.  As I accept, I find salvation and liberty and peace of mind.

I still have desire and make choices. I plan and pursue, but am prepared to let go if they don’t work out.  I may want more, but I won’t want other.  I shall live and love life and not worry about perfect growth.  If I still suffer sometimes, I will manage.  I will cling less to my life story and how it should play out.  I have pain and does everyone else.  We all suffer.  In seeing this, I am more compassionate to myself and others.  I encourage others to cling less as I do so myself.  As I let go of the need for things to be a certain way, I let my fears go.

On this journey to happiness, I accept where I am at and start from there.  I recognize that I can still be happy even though life is inevitably disappointing.  Our pains will come no matter what I do.  They do not last forever as nothing is permanent.  I resolve to move beyond my habit of conditioned negative responses and replace them with more conscious loving, generous and fearless actions.  I let go of counting my grievances and my righteous indignation.  I forgive myself and others.  I choose liberty – the freedom to do what I ought to do.  Others can do it and so can I.

When a fear arises on this path, I take an interest in why and to what am I clinging.  I only act in love, not fear.  I do not cause pain to myself or others.  I alleviate pain within and without.  I tell my mind not to blow this pain out of proportion to what it really is.  I dedicate myself to telling the truth, because I care about myself and I care about others.  I speak the truth, but only when it is helpful.  When I correct others, I do so if timely, gentle, kind and helpful so they do not feel diminished.  I do not lie, say hurtful things or gossip.  I maintain awareness of my intention in all of my communication.  I resist automatic responding.  I take time to think before I speak.

In my work and livelihood, I take care not harm others, not to exploit them and not to abuse them in anyway.  I choose a wholesome livelihood that contributes to my mental happiness and peace of mind.  I am humble in my work and take pride in it.  I pay attention to what is wholesome – that which creates such feelings as friendliness, compassion and generosity.  I put unwholesome thoughts such as greed and anger and grumbling aside.  I put thoughts that lead to unhappiness out of my mind.  I choose to be happy.

I learn to meditate and develop my focus and concentration.  I learn to pay attention to one thing at a time.  My mind becomes stronger yet more flexible each time I meditate.  I have no desire to force out sadness by a loss, but feel it deeply and become more compassionate.  I am not shattered by feelings.  They are impermanent too.  I accept this present experience, this present moment whether pleasant or unpleasant.  I gain insight from this acceptance, wisdom even.  I practice remaining calm.  When I am calm, I am in the now.

Now is the only time we ever have.

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My Contribution to the Red Circle Project

I am adding the following entry I wrote last year on Sept 1, 2012 for The Red Circle Project.  I am sharing today on June 2, 2013..respectfully Renee Baker.

Rising and falling

My breath be not still

And this mind keeps turning

Of its own free will

Hear me my Lord

To you this I pray

That I reach my stillness

Each glorious new day

–          Renee Baker

Dear Traveler,

The Czechoslovakian poet Rainer Maria Rilke said that the only real journey we can go on is the journey within.  To take this journey, we must empower ourselves with courage and energy, and decide we will become alive and awake.  This message of Rilke is easy to forget, so cautious we must be, lest we continue to dream to a lullaby sung by sirens.  Dreams within dreams we have, and we must journey inwards through layers of more awakened states, always assuming there is more consciousness to be had, always assuming there is some pattern of living that we cannot yet see.  And as we go, peeling away layers of our stubborn onion, we must learn to sit with some pain, but with the rewards of a calmer and richer life.  My hope for us all then is to awaken a bit more to greater peace and greater love.

My own journey took me down a transgender road.  I am not a woman in the usual sense, but a woman who once fathered a son.  I live an unusual life, and I once thought this road to be a curse, but have realized with time what a blessing it has been.  Not just for me, but for many in my life.  My awakening has been a blossoming through gender, and it has helped me nurture not only myself, but also others.

We are taught from very early on that we are either male or female, and for most of us, the idea of the world as broken up into mothers and fathers is very comforting.  That is most likely as true for you as it was for me.  So it was very hard for me to find I was not relating solely to the gender role I was assigned to.  And to make matters worse, the mental health profession has not historically treated full gender expression as healthy behavior.  They have so often judged transgender as abnormal – feminine men and masculine women are not allowed – and are to be fixed.  This rigid medical belief that I had swallowed I could not regurgitate because I was isolated from my own transgender community.  I had no transgender role models or feminists in my life, to tell me I was okay.  So I felt broken inside and I suffered deeply.  I wondered what was wrong with me, what happened to me and how I could get better.  But what I really wanted was just to be a girl.  And what is so wrong about that?

I was born in 1964 and married at age nineteen.  My wife and I had a son together and I look fondly on the memories we created as a family.  After twenty-two years though, after a great deal of agony, my wife couldn’t stay with me any longer and we divorced.  My father once asked me why I got married if I knew I was transgender. I told him I just knew that I loved my wife-to-be very much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.  In 1984, dreams of any type of gender transition were only dreams, and I never thought I would transition.  Indeed, even at the time of our divorce in 2005, I had not yet made up my mind what to do.  I only knew that hiding in a closet was no longer an option.

Sometimes in life we are faced with difficult questions and difficult decisions to make.  Mine was simply the question whether or not to transition from male to female.  I was an engineer most of my life and I put my analytical mind onto that burning question on what to do.  And all the while, I was coping with the breakup of our marriage and the death of our family dog.  I didn’t really know how bad depression could be until that time.  Our minds can take us to scary places and I was fortunate to have the support of a counselor and many friends.  But my biggest breakthrough came by listening to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle.

The summer of my divorce, I was driving from Dallas to South Dakota to visit my brother, his family and my parents.  I stopped at a bookstore in Oklahoma and was looking at audio books that I might listen to on the way up.  I found Tolle on the shelf, an older teaching of his, but my favorite until this day.  The title – The Findhorn Retreat: Stillness Amidst the World.  That word stillness drew me in.  That is just what I needed.  I had told my medical doctor that I really didn’t care if I was a dog or a cat or a man or a woman, I just wanted peace in my life.  When I saw that word stillness, it grabbed me.  I wasn’t sure what this spiritual teacher knew, but my counselor was guiding me to embrace my spiritual side, so I opened my mind to see.

Tolle spoke so slowly, and for a reason.  He spoke of his own depression.  He spoke of his own endless problems he could never solve.  He got to a point in his life where he said, “I just can’t live with myself.”  And then he wondered just who is this self I can’t live with any more.  He started to pay attention to his own thoughts.  He noticed them and saw them play across his mind like a movie stuck on repeat.  His life dramatically turned when he realized that he was not his thinking mind.  He realized that because he was aware of his thinking, he could not also be his thinking.  It was an “aha” moment.  The problem for most of us is the same, that we are stuck in dreams of thought.  And we don’t pay enough attention to what we are thinking about, so it is reactionary rather than deliberate.  A spiritual awakening then, as Tolle says, is awakening from the dream of thought.

Wow.  I was mesmerized by what he said; especially when he further said that our emotional suffering follows from what we think.  And if we want to reduce and eliminate our suffering, we have to learn one thing – to quiet our minds.   I was desperate and I was suffering, so I put my faith in what he was saying.  I would try to do what he said to do.  I was lost in my own depressive dream and I needed to snap out of it and quiet my mind.  It worked, and this became the most important lesson of my life.

Quieting my mind took several months of practice.  It is a lesson in learning to be present both here and now.  Being here and now means taking our focus and placing it not on our thoughts, but on our physical selves and the environment that we sense.  Learning to be present is learned through meditation.  The challenge for all of us is our resistance to meditate.  Just as children do not like to lie down and take naps, adults do not like to meditate.  We are too busy and our minds tell us not to be quieted.  These are the sirens that sing lullabies for us to sleep by.  Sirens are tricksters – our mind simply instructs us not to quiet it.  When you can laugh at your own mind, at how it reluctantly goes to sleep so you can awaken, then you will understand why Buddha smiles.

This is when I knew transition to female was right for me: in my joy, I discovered how much I loved to dance.  One day while spinning in my bliss, knowing I would no longer have to emotionally suffer in my life, I decided that having gender reassignment surgery was right for me.  I took a leap of faith, knowing all would be okay, and it was.  I think that all of us do come to great crossroads in our lives, where we have to make decisions, but we don’t know what the outcomes will be – so we get stuck.  We have to make choices.  It is risky not to.  These are existential dilemmas for all of us.  The beauty though is that whatever we choose, we can be at peace, if only we learn to quiet our mind and gain control of how we think, so our mind does not have control of us.  This is what salvation is all about to me.

So, my dear traveler, on your journey to find your inner self, I encourage you to do something contrary.  Instead of finding out who you “really” are, I encourage you to un-find yourself.  I believe that our journey within is not so much about who we are, but about learning to create authentically who we want to be.  It is about evolution and change, always becoming and never having to be stuck in the place we were born or once were, always setting our own limits of living.  This is life – empowering ourselves to build lives we love, letting go of the fear of what others think, and accepting all that come our way, especially ourselves.  This is the road to blessed peace and love.  And I wish this for you, for me and all of us.

Quietly yours,

Renee Baker

p.s. If during your travel inward it becomes painful, do reach out to others for help.  See a spiritual teacher, a medical doctor or a professional counselor.  It’s important not to live life alone.  We do need each other.

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